On a journey to rediscover myself

Over the last so many years I have become very vigilent over my feelings, how I express them, what I speak, how I speak and most importantly am I expressing too much. 

People often say it's lonely at the top - No doubt it's true. Over the last half a decade I have spent more time being alone in my workstation or cabin, buried with work. Not like I haven't balanced work life, but I surely missed out on making any new friends, socially. Because of the simple fact when you are creating a foundation for something spectacular you have to slog and these are some of the sacrifices one needs to make. 

Anyways moving on, when I look back at my journey of last 5 years I feel it's like a Mirage of deception. A deception I built for myself that I need to be like this, need to behave like this and so on. 

(March 2019 early days of setting up the new factory location) 

More than deception I would call it a deceit a self deceit. I have always enjoyed having interesting conversations all my life, and I have had the talent to strike a conversation with any person on any topic. People who have known me during my academic days today don't recognize me (also due to the fact that I don't look smart and handsome anymore) I have had that aura of charismatic leader, who was highly extrovert in nature, never said no for anything, always eager to try on new things, challenges and full of life. Today I have become exactly the opposite. I really don't know whom to blame, in my head till recent years I was still the same college kid smart and handsome till I started noticing my own pictures and realized I look no where near to what I was 10 years ago, people who gave known me in the recent years when they look at my pictures or videos don't even recognize it's the same person. Why this stark range has happened in my life I wonder.

(somewhere in 2008 Singhagad Fort Hikking with friends) 

I have started to realize that in my quest to become a corporate buffoon, I have systematically killed the real me. I have lost touch with my own self. Talents that distinguished me from the crowd, today is replaced with habits and characteristics which I am not proud of. 

The guy who would spend hours doing self analysis without touching cell phone and physically writing notes, pages of day dreams is now busy watching YouTube vlogs, listening to podcasts, Netflix n chill. I never took time off to chill in my previous life, I was always on move to explore more, like what else can I learn, how can I just wander on new roads till I find something interesting, take random pics of sunset. And today I slip into the quilt, switch on my AC and watch something interesting that takes my mind off from the stress I have in life. That's not me, a part of me is crying deep inside. 

But I guess life is all about giving a second chance, sometimes a self realization is also good. And in this age of social media I avoid posting my inner thoughts, like my true self with no filter attached. Gone are the days when you could express your true feelings on social media - remember the early days of Facebook where you felt like describing "How are you feeling" in its true sense. And even tagging your friends and enter a long array of chats with friends. Today you can't share a story of feeling low or feeling alone on WhatsApp with a fear that everyone will see this. From my employees, to my vendors, buyers and even my maid... And everyone will judge me... So much to think about. Not a page on social media is left where you can express your true feelings. And just yesterday I got bumped into this very page when I shared it with few new friends I made. And I was like oh yes no one reads blogs anymore this is the safest and the best place to simply express my deep rooted feelings. 

After all I always expressed my true feelings here on this blog. It's just that I may be going through a mid life crisis when you are not sure what is happening in your life and you are trying to be cool. So this is me in my true self expressing myself. And waiting to see the new ne emerge soon. 

Miss being an author

I don't even remember the last time I logged on to this blog site. In this era of the internet; we often visit many sites, register ourselves and then later abandon them like those old toys we once played with in childhood and later found something more interesting to dwell upon. And one day you find that old toy lying in some trunk in the corner of your house; looking at the toy the memories do flashback but you are too old to play with it now.

Something similar happened today; being a Saturday I decided to take a little break and work from home instead of being in the office whole day. Thus in the second half of the day, I drove back home had my bite of lunch a little late than usual. After spending a good few hours on the excel sheets and crunching the numbers my saturation point had reached. While browsing for some good choiec of music I went to search for internet radio sites. I still remember those good old days; back when I was in College when Yahoo Messenger used to be cool and Launchcast Radio was buzzing. Those memories bring back what Gaana.com fails to do even today. So I selected some random station and out of nowhere, I landed on this blog site that I once used to be glued to wondering what next to write. I was amazed to see my draft section with over 29 unpublished stories all dating back to 2012-14. After previewing a few I realized that there was something in me back then that inspired me to write. Most of the stories stuck at a point where it seems there was a dead road ahead.

When I ask myself, why did I stop writing, I have absolutely no idea what inspired me in the first place. I really miss being an author of amazing stories, poems, songs that I used to write. There was a time when I used to express myself so well with words. It was like I could express everything I had in my mind in beautiful words, however, I am still hoping to break the ice; after so many years of dead writing.

I don't even care if anyone reads this or not nor will I even share the link like I used to do in earlier days promoting my stories and sharing the links with friends and family. I really wish to share inspiring stories, motivational stories, just a general day to day affairs, and more importantly my thoughts.

Hoping to come back soon with something new may be a poetry or a song! Song reminds me my guitar's E string broke some 3-4 years ago and forget changing it; I don't even recollect where have I dumped the guitar! All I can remember is that it may be in the loft of one of my offices.

There is so much to repair, more importantly getting back to my life from this corporate zombie! I need to chillax like old days! At least I felt alive back then!

What's wrong with Dr. Manmohan Singh - The Prime Minister of India???

For the past many years, Indians have wondered why Manmohan Singh does not speak up despite being the recipient of several disdainful words such as spineless, toothless and weak. He sits in Parliament with no expression on his face. It appears that even if you just replace him with his wax statue, no parliamentarian will notice the difference. Besides, he never makes an impromptu statement despite being a scholar; he just reads out prepared and calibrated speeches. Shameful, utterly disgraceful. So, why does Manmohan Singh not talk? And why does he take so much crap from his detractors. Why does the prime minister always behave as if he were born without a spine? Let’s look at Manmohan Singh’s handwriting, which might give us some insight into his personality.

Handwriting and signature size: In March 2011, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh visited the Embassy of Japan (http://www.in.emb-japan.go.jp/Press_Releases_Embassy/PR13-2011.html) in New Delhi to sign the book of condolence for Japan earthquake victims. Notice the equal size of his handwriting and signature. Both of them are small. This size of handwriting and signature is not for leaders. People with such small handwriting can never lead people. They are so lost in themselves that they cannot think about reaching out to others or bother about finding ways to connect with the people. Clearly, this kind of handwriting makes him a good professor, not a worthy statesman.

In handwriting analysis, consistent disconnection between letters is indicative of lack of spontaneity, among other things. In Manmohan Singh’s case, the trait is seen in his inability to make impromptu statements and speak his mind.

Manmohan Singh’s handwriting shows that he will continue to be a failure as a head of the state. There is nothing in his personality that could even remotely suggest that he is suitable to occupy a post that intrinsically requires the occupant to be in touch with the people. That is why despite having got such a high position on a platter, Manmohan Singh has not been able to adapt his personality to the requirements of the new role. Not even in 9 years! And the bad news is: he can never do that. Therefore, quit, Mr Singh. By abdicating, you might do the country good.

To get your handwriting analyzed - visit http://www.knowthyself.in/or follow us on http://www.facebook.com/knowthyselfindia

She's a Weirdo - Part 8

"Why you don't like romantic songs kya?" asked Vinit when Sid asked him to change the genre of the songs he was playing on his guitar. "Nothing as such, bus aaj mood nahi hai." said Sid throwing the remains of his cig butt out of the window. "But yaar, mera toh bahot mood hai!" said Vinit and started blushing. "Woha!" what was that some one's blushing Vinit don't tell me you found someone?" asked Sid making Vinit's face flush out with redness. "Looks like that to me" said Vinit Candidly and keeping his guitar back in its case. "Bhai this calls for details. At least tell me her name, is she from the college itself?" went on Sid. "Well, her name is Maya and yes she's from our college and you know which course" winked Vinit looking at Sid. "Biotech Batch" echoed both of them. "Toh Maya ki moh maya ka shikar hua Vinit Verma" said Sid sitting crossed legged on his bed like a baba giving a pravachan about Moh Maya while Vinit simply leaned back on his bed taking support of the wall. "So, what's the scene are you guys like going out on a date or something?" enquired Sid. "I don't know yaar, she's really cute and sweet. But I guess she doesn't wants to go out with me alone." said Vinit with a little pain. "Why so buddy? That doesn't looks cool to m! What's her plan" Sid asked Vinit. "Well according to her, she made a pact with her friend that they would be going on a double date, so where will I find some one decent enough I could take with me on a date who doesn't blows off my date and yet behave with the other girl. I think I'll pass." saying so Vinit lied down on his bed. "Yeah man you are right! Pure hostel mein you won't find a single guy who is not a tharki." saying so Sid started removing his Tee to change into something which is fresh with no alcohol smell in it. "Wait a min!" saying so Vinit stood up from the bed in one go as if someone pressed the eject button on his bed. "You!!!" Vinit pointed finger at Sid. "Yeah me??? What did I do?" asked Sid clueless what is Vinit talking about. "Sid you are my best buddy man! You can surely make a good impression on friends and girls especially, you are a decent guy else wouldn't you have had a girl friend by now" saying so Vinit got up from his bed. "Wo ho! Wait a minute, I ain't going on a blind date for you. Who knows her friend might be a fat ugly version of Ugly Betty. I don't even know her name." said Sid ridiculing the entire idea of double date. "Chal na yaar, please!" saying so Vinit came closer to Sid. "No yaar, please!" saying so Sid pushed Vinit in a friendly way. "Dekh bhai, then soon I will start playing all Dev Das songs every day and trust me it will get on your nerves to have a Dev Das in the room." said Vinit little dramatically. "Yaar, I don't even know how does Maya look like. And again why would I do it for you man." said Sid trying hard to convince Vinit of not getting him turned in for this date plan. "Uska tension mat le, yeh dekh! We clicked few snaps today in the library together." saying so he showed the candid snaps of them together. "Not Bad, Vinit! I am impressed with the your choice of girl" said Sid keeping his hands on Vinit's shoulder. "Then brother, you are in! I will just call her and inform that we are in for tomorrow!" saying so he just jumped back to his bed and called her up and started cuddling his pillow lost in the sleep.

While Sid changed into his tee and shorts and lit another cigg he had some change of thoughts this time. Let's see if this friend of Maya finds me as a stalker or not. I hope she better be good looking than Ms. Einstein. "What the hell yaar" said Sid to himself why am I getting her thoughts in my head - she's not my kind of girl, not even my type! She has insulted me so much - besides she's just a weirdo! No match for Siddharth!!

"It's done, we are meeting tomorrow night at 8 at Fire and Ice." said Vinit spreading his hands in the air as a big sign of relief as Maya would surely have been really happy because of him. "We will have to tip off Babulal so that he lets us in late in the night" said Sid. "Don't worry about that, I will take care of it, you just be back in time from your movie." said Vinit wearing his slippers as he prepared to go for a stroll in the hostel. "Movie! Wat Movie?" It's Saturday tomorrow?" asked Sid holding his head. "Yup, with no word from you Lijjo already booked 2 tickets for him and you for tomorrow's noon show - I guess he wanted a company to assist him with the subtitles." winked Vinit as he walked out of the room. Sid looked at Lijjo who was deep asleep. "Bastard! I wonder which movie is he taking me for! Hey Vinit wait for me lets go for dinner!" saying so Sid too headed out.

Neither Sid nor Roxane had any clue how things are going to unfold in the coming 2 days! This weekend is going to be really exciting keep reading!

She's a Weirdo - Part 7

"Sid!!! What the hell are you doing here outside my building? And what the hell is this guy doing here??? Don't you guys have any manners???" Asked Roxane in disgust. "Take it easy Ms Einstein, and please come over here I want to talk to you in private." said Sid and signalled Roxane to move little away from Lijjo. In the mean time Lijjo had finished his long pee session and walked a safe distance away from his water bank he had created near the tree. "What! Tell me fast" said Roxane. "Look he is my roommate Lijjo, and he went through a terrible break up  lately with his girl friend back in the States." explained Sid to Roxane in the mean time trying to take away the stick from her hand but she resisted. "You smell of alcohol, are you both drunk?" She asked. "Well, I won't deny that, yes we are drunk, but I am very much in my senses, look the poor guy!" said Sid looking at Lijjo as Roxane too looked at him with her eye brows raised; while Lijjo unaware of what's cooking up between the two looked terrified as he could still see the stick in her hands. "He was so terrified and broken with the news that he took me along with him to the bar nearby, else you tell me who would want to drink in the afternoon!" continued Sid. "I just wanted to give him company, I can't risk his safety as even he is new to India. So I too had few drinks." said Sid and exhaled. "Hope you are not a stalker of all the buildings you just got my building to come sit here and pee right here! Who gave him to the right to pee on the roads?" enquired Roxane. "Well firstly Ms. Einstein I had absolutely no clue where you stay and I have no interest in following you. I agree my friend shouldn't have done something of this sort but it's his first time and you have already scared the hell out of him with this stick you been carrying around and calling him a PIG" saying so Sid sntached the stick from her hand. "Give this to me, it doesn't suits in your hand" and walked towards the watchman and gave it to him. "Yeh lo bhaiya, aur isko madam se dur rakhna" and winked at the watchman. "So what suits in my hand?" asked Roxane. "Test tubes, ms Bio tech" said Sid and winked at her. "Whatever, I hope you were not stalking me" she confirmed again. "Look Roxane, I don't understand why don't get the point! If you feel I am not worth your friendship don't meet me again" saying so Sid walked over to Lijjo without even turning back to look at Roxane. 

"Bro, you knew that girl?" enquired Lijjo as Sid approached him. "Yeah, I just met her a couple of days ago in Library, another Bio-tech chic" said Sid and ran his hands over his pockets. "Lets head over to Anna and have some tea." said Sid as they headed back to college. "But yaar, how dare she called me a PIG! And was she really gona hit me with the stick? Man Sid, you are a savior that bitch was really a psycho!" saying that Lijjo started walking really fast. "Tu thik toh hai na? Tera nasha pura utar gaya lagta hai?" asked Sid smilingly. "Balls to her man, spoilt my complete winning mood!" Said Lijjo lighting up his ciggi and handing over one to Sid. "But what did you told her? And what were you guys discussing?" enquired Lijjo still puzzled how Sid saved him from that terrible scenario. "Bhai, a true magician never reveals his secrets! I got you saved that's more important" said Sid sipping his tea. "Woha! Matlab you gave her some gyaan, you asshole must have for sure made me look a complete c**tiya and yourself a hero!" said Lijjo exhaling his smoke. "Well not exactly, I just told her that you are heart broken so that you could win some sympathy votes from other bio tech girls" said Sid taking a puff. "Asshole, you are one! So who's going to be your date for the freshers party?" asked Lijjo. "Not sure man, will have to do some hunting pretty soon" said Sid. 

And they both went back to their rooms luckily Pratik Bhai wasn't in the room. Vinit was as usual tuning his guitar. He was in a romantic mood tonight, so was just playing the famous tune of the song Dil Ko Tumse Pyaar Hua again and again. While Lijjo settled on the bed and felt fast asleep. Sid sat over his bed looking out from the window and lit up another cigg, as the song played in the background his thoughts wandered in the lanes back to Roxane's building and he could see her furious face in front of his open eyes. However rather then just getting upset with the entire drama he created he was still certain may be she's the right girl for me. Not sure how their next encounter will unfold he was lost in her eyes and those 3 hair in front of her face that he witnessed the time he met her in the canteen. There's something about her, is it the alcohol, the guitar or just me that's making me feel this way wondered Sid and smiled candidly. "Bhai, kaun he woh? Jiske khayalon mein kho gaya tu?" Asked Vinit. "Koi nahi yaar, kuch aur suna, kya romantic gaane baja raha hai" said Sid.