Over the last so many years I have become very vigilent over my feelings, how I express them, what I speak, how I speak and most importantly am I expressing too much.
People often say it's lonely at the top - No doubt it's true. Over the last half a decade I have spent more time being alone in my workstation or cabin, buried with work. Not like I haven't balanced work life, but I surely missed out on making any new friends, socially. Because of the simple fact when you are creating a foundation for something spectacular you have to slog and these are some of the sacrifices one needs to make.
Anyways moving on, when I look back at my journey of last 5 years I feel it's like a Mirage of deception. A deception I built for myself that I need to be like this, need to behave like this and so on.
More than deception I would call it a deceit a self deceit. I have always enjoyed having interesting conversations all my life, and I have had the talent to strike a conversation with any person on any topic. People who have known me during my academic days today don't recognize me (also due to the fact that I don't look smart and handsome anymore) I have had that aura of charismatic leader, who was highly extrovert in nature, never said no for anything, always eager to try on new things, challenges and full of life. Today I have become exactly the opposite. I really don't know whom to blame, in my head till recent years I was still the same college kid smart and handsome till I started noticing my own pictures and realized I look no where near to what I was 10 years ago, people who gave known me in the recent years when they look at my pictures or videos don't even recognize it's the same person. Why this stark range has happened in my life I wonder.
I have started to realize that in my quest to become a corporate buffoon, I have systematically killed the real me. I have lost touch with my own self. Talents that distinguished me from the crowd, today is replaced with habits and characteristics which I am not proud of.
The guy who would spend hours doing self analysis without touching cell phone and physically writing notes, pages of day dreams is now busy watching YouTube vlogs, listening to podcasts, Netflix n chill. I never took time off to chill in my previous life, I was always on move to explore more, like what else can I learn, how can I just wander on new roads till I find something interesting, take random pics of sunset. And today I slip into the quilt, switch on my AC and watch something interesting that takes my mind off from the stress I have in life. That's not me, a part of me is crying deep inside.
But I guess life is all about giving a second chance, sometimes a self realization is also good. And in this age of social media I avoid posting my inner thoughts, like my true self with no filter attached. Gone are the days when you could express your true feelings on social media - remember the early days of Facebook where you felt like describing "How are you feeling" in its true sense. And even tagging your friends and enter a long array of chats with friends. Today you can't share a story of feeling low or feeling alone on WhatsApp with a fear that everyone will see this. From my employees, to my vendors, buyers and even my maid... And everyone will judge me... So much to think about. Not a page on social media is left where you can express your true feelings. And just yesterday I got bumped into this very page when I shared it with few new friends I made. And I was like oh yes no one reads blogs anymore this is the safest and the best place to simply express my deep rooted feelings.
After all I always expressed my true feelings here on this blog. It's just that I may be going through a mid life crisis when you are not sure what is happening in your life and you are trying to be cool. So this is me in my true self expressing myself. And waiting to see the new ne emerge soon.
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